Friday, January 11, 2008

squeeze my lemon

Fuck you, New Hampshire. We don’t even like you. Go hang out with Canada. My brain can’t handle any more politics – knowing that Shrillary Clinton may conceivably cry her way into the White House is more than I can bear. And John McCain would like to make it so I can’t abort a fetus that’s growing inside of me. I hope he gets cancer of the ass. The same goes for any man who thinks he needs to speak up for the unborn children. Grow a pair, McCain. You’re a dude – you shouldn’t be so concerned about my uterus; your penis can’t penetrate that far, therefore, it should be of no interest to you. And the same goes for the rest of you males – if you are pro-life, you might as well just bend over and spread your ass cheeks right now. And I’m spent.

All of my friends are turning 22 and calling themselves old. I will admit that my life is probably halfway over given my intake of drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, etc., but I hardly feel old. I have yet to graduate from college, and I’m not sure what will happen next. I’m hoping to just kind of fall into something. Been looking at grad schools and the Peace Corps. But mostly I’ve been sitting on my ass because it’s January in Iowa and it’s fucking cold. Even the crazy religious freaks are staying in. There’s a dude who likes to stand on the corner and read from his bible at the top of his voice, but saving the heathens must be a summer activity. I wonder what he’s doing right now. Probably watching television and gaining weight like the rest of us. Or is television evil? Maybe he has every channel blocked except for Fox News and that network that’s always got the stationary camera pointed at a nun while she talks about her missionary position (giggle).

I discovered a new web site: I’ve never heard of half of the people he talks about, but I am learning. I guess I’ve been missing out on celebrity hijinx since I moved out of my parents’ house and away from my E!-watching mother. High winds and –20 degree weather has taught me to appreciate any kind of distraction, no matter how vapid, and this winter I have found comfort in Perez as well as in The Girls Next Door – Hugh Hefner’s stupid girlfriends who have more money than God and only one IQ point to share between the three of them. It’s awesome! I never realized that watching crazy people waste time could be so entertaining. Plus, they prance around in hot, miniscule outfits, which keeps me from committing suicide during those times when springtime seems so far, far away. Some days I think I’ll never survive all of this gray – but then I get my period, and I get to see color. So bleeding out of your vagina can be a blessing.

Also, my nephew just took his first steps, and knowing that my sister is going mad trying to keep him out of shit is delightful. He likes to chew on the dog’s rawhides. I think this might work better than his teething rings, and it will help him develop a strong immune system. I think he might be a stoner. Just like his auntie. I am so proud.

Someone help me understand why Mitt Romney is so creepy. No, nevermind. I don't want to know.

Squeeze my lemon... 'til the juice runs down my leg.

No comments:

Post a Comment