Saturday, June 23, 2007

predicting the future

2008. Congress and President Bush pass a law stating that no Presidential elections will take place during a time of war. The United States remains at war with various Middle Eastern, Eastern Asian, South American, and European countries for the next 26 years.

2009. Playstation 4 is released around Christmas. First weekend after the system goes on the market, consoles across the country overheat and explode, sending a mixture of plastic-metal shrapnel through pock-marked teenagers and lonely, hairy 40-year-old white men. Four-hundred thousand killed, 1.5 million wounded. Product recalled, Sony sued for mental and emotional injuries by millions of grandmothers everywhere. The company is found guilty of ruining Christmas.

2010. Motorola introduces Child-Tracker, a system that involves implanting a computer chip into a child's brain. Installation includes a hand-held GPS system for parents, as well as a mild shocking device. A deluxe version is guaranteed to keep a child within invisible boundaries via a sophisticated version of the "electric fence" utilizing the chip's shocking device.

2011. The problem of cold-fusion is accidently solved by a seven-year-old boy in Nevada who stumbled upon the discovery whil trying to make glow-in-the-dark sidewalk chalk using a recipie he got out of his children's science magazine and uranium he found while digging in his backyard.

2012. Scientology is revealed as being nothing more than a scam on a global scale thanks to a hidden tape recorder in the conference room in which the heads of the church were meeting to discuss profits and hire hookers.

2013. Guerilla terrorist university students from college radio stations all over the nation infiltrate and destroy FCC headquarters. The country's heightened fear of terrorism prompts abandonment of censorship of any kind - except for material that could possibly incite terrorist violence fuck, shit, cock, balls, cunt, semprini.

2014. Smoking cigarettes becomes illegal everywhere except for within airtight bubbles designed for a large group with a series of sealing doors and a highly-developed filter system that fully cleans the air and freshens it with the scent of rose petals before releasing it into the atmosphere.

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