we're all going to the zoo

One of my nieces turned seven this weekend and her mother threw her a Build-A-Bear party. I don’t know how many people are familiar with this outfit, but it was the first time I’d been there and I was so overwhelmed I had to escape and make for the outdoors where I could chain smoke. These Build-A-Bear places are insane. You can get underwear, socks, shoes, tennis equipment, cell phones, etc., for your bear (or whatever other animal you want to stuff). Snowboards. Cheerleading outfits. It’s a million-dollar idea, sure, but I don’t know what possessed my sister to take nine kids to that place. To me, its only redeeming quality is the staff they employ. These people have infinite patience. I talked with one of the girls and she told me that some people come in and drop $100 on one stuffed bear/dinosaur/puppy/numerous other animals.

So, here’s where my brain explodes. Not only are you spending $100 on a kid – kids: these are the little people who can entertain themselves for hours with a refrigerator carton – but all you get is a fucking bear. The kind of parent that does that is one that has to buy his/her child’s love. No wonder kids are so fucked up these days that we have to pump them full of drugs. Rich parents breeding brats whose idols are people like Paris Hilton who is a - all together, now - stupid, spoiled whore!

But wait, I just remembered that Paris lost her inheritance. That's right, I read this article and thought to myself, "Hmmm... maybe there is a god and I've been giving my grandmother shit all these years for no reason." Or maybe her grandfather hates her as much as most everyone else does (at least, everyone that I know). So Grandpa states that he's embarrassed that this chick shares his DNA and cuts her out of the will. Granted, her entire family has money and she'll still probably never have to work a day in her life, but at least someone in her family is finally saying, "Hey, you're a pathetic excuse for a human being. I don't love you and I wish you were dead." That's not a direct quote from Gramps himself, but I bet that's what he's thinking.

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah. Only in America. The United States, that is. It's fucking ridiculous how bad the baby boomers are at parenting, which will, of course, make the next generation even worse. I'm going to do my part by not procreating, because I know that if I had a kid, I'd have to deal with their friends, and there's no fucking way. And the worst part is that these awful kids are going to grow up to become even worse adults. The types that can't manage their money, can't do anything for themselves, and can't function in society because they can't get along with anyone. Sounds familiar, don't it? (Hint: Look to your left.)

Unrelated Linky Dink: HOLY SHIT! Micky D's delivers so that people no longer have to walk all the way out to their cars and drive to the drive-thru. They can just stay at home and have their Big Macs brought to them.

Is McDonald's part of a global conspiracy to make everyone in the world as fat as people in the United States? Somebody write a letter to Mother Jones.