Sunday, February 28, 2010

Rapture Kennels FOR RENT

Have stumbled upon the best idea ever.















There are (apparently) dozens of organizations across the country that offer to take care of pets after their Christian owners have been taken up in the rapture. That is, the organization seeks out non-Christians to act as caretakers. So, once the Christians have been sucked up into Heaven, their pets won't be left to fend for themselves, but will have a place to go with pious heathens to take care of them. Because animals don't go to heaven.


(Does it say that in the Bible? I have no idea. I wonder if Christian fundamentalists came out and protested when 'All Dogs Go to Heaven' came out. I'm not very aware of how the Christian community functions, or what their priorities are. Though I grew up in a Methodist household, I have since adopted a much more logical set of beliefs. Thus, I worship Odin, the Wanderer, an Old Norse god, whose name means both 'fury' and 'poetry.' I believe the earth is encircled by a great serpent.)


Like this, if Earth were an egg.


Also, the serpent is eating its own tail.


Anyway, one of these companies has a video on their homepage advertising their services. It's pretty much just a bunch of pictures of pets looking upward forlornly, implying that they are watching their masters being taken up to *Heaven* while they contemplate their earthly fate. It's funny, yes, but also sad, because 1) why don't the doggies and kitties get to go to Heaven? and 2) somebody's getting paid to do nothing, and it's not me.

So on another company's web site (whose slogan is 'The next best thing to pet salvation in a Post-Rapture World!' [caps theirs]), they break down how the service works: all the employees are verified atheists 'and as such will still be here on Earth after you've received your reward.'


(That's a direct quote from the web site. Isn't that awesome? And I'm totally going to work for these people, as I am eligible.)



Remember?


One problem with this post-Rapture kennel idea, though: after you've received 'your reward,' how will you pay your post-rapture kennel to take care of Mr. Kitty Fantastico, as you shan't be writing any checks? Solution: pre-payment!

See? Brilliant!

Make money, do nothing – until the Rapture, when you'll be stuck with all these pets that you never thought you'd have to take care of. That would totally suck – if we were all left behind, looking at each other like, 'Shit... I can't believe my crazy aunt Evelyn was right.' And then one of us would have to take care of Aunt Evelyn's fourteen cats.


But that won't happen, because the world is actually going to end following an epic battle; when the mighty wolf escapes his bonds, when the serpent unhinges its gaping maw, and when the sun turns black and sinks into the sea: the great life-tree will shudder and fall when Ragnarök is upon us.



Like this, but with gods and planet-sized monsters.



...


In Zwingle, Iowa, this farmer wrote a giant 'happy birthday' note to his wife in manure. Then, in Albert Lea, Minnesota, a guy drew his wife a huge heart with an arrow through it for Valentine's day – with manure.

I'm familiar with both of these places, wasn't surprised to hear either story.


Pro-tip: don't stop in Albert Lea if you're passing through, cuz it's a bitch to get back on the Interstate.

3 comments: